USFL '86: Houston, or, Lady Luck Comes in Many Forms

 

Houston had a frustrating '85, one that saw Jack Pardee fired three weeks into the season and replaced by mad Colonel Mouse Davis; his ascent at first didn't change much--the club would trudge through loss after tight loss, the Astrodome getting more cavernous and foreboding. Paul McGuire compared the atmosphere to "like watching a game in one or those abandoned cathedrals you see in footage of Dresden"; clunky but always colorful, we love Paul. That the Oilers showed flashed signs of improvement with Warren Moon at the helm didn't help. The Gamblers began and thankfully abandoned a "we got a black quarterback too!" campaign centered around promising rookie Raphel Cherry, one of the few bright spots in '85 and someone that--for about 45 minutes--seemed like he could become a legitimate starter. Sitting at 1-9, the Gamblers swooned earlier than everyone else but got dealt some good hands, going 7-1 on the back end to creep into playoffs: Kelly not only lowered the arc, turning his bombs into lazers, he used his wheels to the surprise of nickel formations. The defense got meaner, with Jeff Fuller running side-to-side for 60 minutes straight, Loyd Lewis--a backbencher in '84--started cold-cocking. A post-game caller earnestly asked if the defense was finally getting the same drugs the offense had clearly been running on. While Arizona prevailed in the playoff rematch, it was closer at least--38-23. 

Then, of course, the curtain pierced and the Real sat for a hand. The S and L Scandal dried up credit lines and put the squeeze on owner Jerry Argovitz; local investors were hard to come by due to crashing oil prices. The State Department prevented George Bush Jr. and some friends in the Saudi royal family from parking their cash in the club.  They nearly traded Kelly to a lip-smacking Chera and the Generals, but the club bulked at taking Flutie and his contract. 

Instead, they shipped Kiki DeAyala, Tommy Robison, Hosea Taylor, and Ricky Sanders for Mike Weddington, Danny Knight, and draft picks (in what was viewed as a counterintuitive move, the Gamblers were the deciding vote in preventing a "hard" salary cap, but those paying attention to all this recognized they would've had to 'balance' a trade by taking on contracts in such a system--ed.). Chera also agreed to pass around a collection plate at his Upper Westside Bathhouse, the meeting place of The Old Blood Ones. The Gamblers did net $700,000  in "shadow trades" with Cleveland, Dallas, and Minnesota for Gerald "Ice Cube" McNeil, Todd Fowler, and Sam Farrell respectively. It was a homecoming for Sam who started his career with the Vikings; Minnesota looked the other way when the Gamblers signed mouldering former Baylor standout Allen Rice to a complicated 5-year, $1 million deal. TV money prevented a complete collapse, essentially subsidizing Kelly, Jeff Fuller, the Hawkins "Brothers," and Sims--who refused a buyout, but looked faster after a reported trip to Cuban Doctors via Haiti. This deeply angered the exile population until they saw Billy in training camp--reports seemed to indicate he received a "tune up" on his knee, based on an elbow procedure used on pitchers; the "Guevera" procedure had gained traction in the sporting world as a way to save joints; saving the careers of Sumo in Japan and several world-class Cricket bowlers.

It'd be a weird group, and while Big Jim expressed disappointment, it beat chucking in the November wind tunnels of Orchard Park.