USFL '86: Tampa Bay, or, Chairman Burt

Burt Reynolds had metamorphosed into one of the most effective power brokers in professional football; no one really knew how Alphonso Carraker--a territorial pick Bassett failed to land in '84--got cut by Green Bay just ahead of the '85 season, and no one made the correlation with the Packers suspicious re-signing of long-time defensive end Mike Butler the day before. Reynolds visited the comfortably accoutremented ranch home of Ruth Gault-Goering, Head Elder of the Council of Old Guiding Hands and President of the Dominant Clique, Lead Shareholder of Green Bay Packers. Intrigued by Burt, and a fan of Paternity and Stoker Ace, the widow Gault-Goering summoned Smokey to meet with the Heart of the Council of the Old Guiding Hands, the highest level of administration with the Green Bay Packers organization, the final shot-callers.

Carraker's "complaints'' about poor pay shocked the Council, comprised of pensioners, bowling ball manufacturers, lumber liquidators--who sold the planks required for the lanes of bowling alley owners, who also held shares in the club--Agribusiness accountants, and Tyson meat processing subcontractors: having the honor to play for St. Vince's club wasn't enough? Butler was well-remembered, so when Burt pitched "the deal" followed by a "c'mon," in Ms. Gault-Goering's den, the Council quickly capitulated, the only no-vote belonging to Paul Hornung, there only as a representative/observer for the Minor Junkers: those shareholders under the age of 50 who inherited stock or those who purchased stock in The Final Offering of 1977. Hornung would address the Minor Junkers a month later at Pack-Fest '86 in Stevens Points, expressing a deep concern in the club's management. The "trade" prompted the first meeting of the Estates General since groundhog day 1968, when the Council of Guiding Hands met to discuss the path forward post-Lombardi. A date of March 30, 1988 was set.

Tampa's other signings lacked the flair of '85--the most notable might've been Gary Anderson's replacement, Joe Dudek. The "White Knight" broke Walter Payton's NCAA rushing record against the hula-shirt-donning fat guys, Grenada veterans cashing GI Bills, and 5'8 speed demons with brick-hands in lowley Division III; Joe made the cover of SI as "the thinking man's pick" but that, too, felt more of a joke than a sincere proposition; he nevertheless placed 9th in Heisman voting. Spurrier saw him as a Mike Lush-type, a small school high-motor who knew exactly what he needed to do, the backbone of the rebel league. No Gary, of course, but the fleet-footed receivers and a maturing Calabria should make up for it. 

The Bandits also brought in veteran free agent Putt Choate and inexplicable Bills cut Speedy Neal; they traded with Oakland for "Human Hoover" Marcus Quinn. Gator Hassan Jones was another good signing, one achieved by an immediate $35,000 cash bonus and Reynolds agreeing to take his mother around in the famous Trans-Am, followed by dinner and viewing of Smokey and the Bandit on Laserdisc--he brought the player--in her den. Burt called it the most pleasant evening he had in years.