USFL '25: Neon Deion, Sharp Shedeur? Rookie Roundup
Papa Prime started his career in the USFL, lured by Burt Reynolds and shareholder/friend Dom DeLuise to the Bandits in ‘89–who could deny Stroker Ace? The 5-year, $20 million signing was part of an aggressive push for the club to breakout of its cult and put pressure on the Bucs, who controlled Tampa Stadium and local government apparatuses; Sanders was productive on mealy-mouth teams and helped draw big crowds, but Reynolds–despite controversial big paychecks from Mosfilm to star in a string of Rent-a-Cop sequels and a Wallenstein biopic–struggled to keep the club going. A move to the more hospitable Thunderdome in St. Pete and an allegedly CIA-insisted deal to put Burt on American small screens required austerity measures club-side. Faced with affording Charlie Ward or Neon Deion, Burt reluctantly shipped the latter to the Miami Dolphins for $5.75 million, a slight uptick into the black.
Sanders decision to go the Bo route was part of an articulation of individual freedom and hedge-betting–this proved a wise decision, as Don Shula resisted the acquisition out of a disdain for showboating; Deion split ‘94 between the Fish and the Braves, his athletic accomplishments impressive but not enough in both cases. In the ‘94 NLCS, a walk-off two run homer forced a game 7 against division champion Montreal. The cacaphony of Olympic Stadium the following night–and big dongs by Alou, Larry Walker, and Lenny Webster–assured the burning of Atlanta and the great awakening of Quebecois Nationalist Identity ahead of the Oui vote. Three months later, a pick-six of ex-New Orleans Breaker Stan Humphrey put the Fish in the AFC Title game, but old man Joe Montana proved he still had elan in his lizard brain and ping-ponged around him; Scott Mitchell's claim to Marino’s crown proved false.
So Sanders ultimately took the Bo path too, sticking with the Past Time and carving out a long Hall of Fame career, oddly most of it with the Cincinnati Reds, helping the club to a World Series title alongside Ken Griffey Jr. in 2000. Football with its beautiful violence-- “jazz with bodies” to quote Soviet Premier Vasily Morenov–proved a pull post-career. We know what he did for Jackson State and the carnival in Colorado as this is much fresher, closer to us. Just trying to lay down some ground work.
Media pegged Shedeur to go to the NFL. The USFL was in rebound, but many expected a quieter ‘25 after ‘24’s exuberance as revenue dropped from an ad-hoc profit split with NBC; the decision to initiate manufacturer direct consumer auto sales by the Committee for the Restoration of Dignity a contributing factor. Denver ownership initially drifted to thrift after a third consecutive title loss, trading brother Shilo’s rights to Birmingham for the rights for blondie Jaxson Dart in September. Reproachment with FallBall? When the NFL revived the old practice of “slotting”--offering cash bonuses to those who signed a draft commitment–Shedeur got a modest off of $200,000. When Shilo’s leg artifracted like a scratched DVD, Birmingham still offered him a 3-year, $750,000 deal and a Tupolev ticket to the Lysenko Athletic Integrity Institute in Stalingrad, cite of career saving treatments for guys like Mel Bratton, Deion's old teammate Ken Griffey Jr., Greg Oden, and Jonathan Brooks, who ran for over 2,000 yards with Houston in ‘24. This occured in early November.
Father and brother were moved by the gesture, leading to a covert meeting with USFL Central Office and Gold President Emeritus John Elway. A cash-flush but minority-share, Utah-based Mormon faction pressed the rest of the Colorado Quorum. A six-year deal, $55 million with a possible doubling of value based on team and individual performance. Prime brought on Jimmy Horn Jr. While the league kept a lid on the signing until the December 23rd announcement via Adam Schefter on PTI. Denver continued aggressive pursuits of other regional rookies–Ute Brant Kuithe and Idaho edge Keyshawn James-Newby–and CFL and NFL vets. DeMarcus Lawrence was on the same Aeroflot flight as Shilo, signaling a reloading. Streveler’s departure and Great North raids are covered elsewhere. Shedeur's signing proved to be a hook for Ashton Jeaty, the "Boise Bo." A top five pick or Heisman Winner a generation ago, Jeaty took a 3-year, $44 million deal to be a King of Spring--a de-emphasis of his position and a seal fate to be a Cowboy--Jerry Jones called Jeaty's cousin to congratulate his arrival to America's Team the day before the Broncs playoff ouster--spurred the signing. Of the surprising Tet Offensive, this proved the only inking to visibly annoy Collin Cowherd, who spent the fall critiquing the prospect quality and annihilation of the natural and traditional fabric of college football. Disney's liquidation by the New State left Fox "under-resourced" like brother ESPN, unable to secure airing rights.
***
The dissolution of car dealership territories in favor of direct manufacturer sales resulted in material collapse for fascistic militia groups in the reconstructing south and the breaking–physical, spiritual, and political–of Chud-Power across the country, particularly in the Northeast. It also bled-out the cadre of small holders within the Jacksonville Bulls–folks who pressed for hometown hurler Carson Beck. His three-pick performance against Texas would’ve saved the Junkers $25 million on an offer, but the fiery blade of justice, the casting out of the lenders from the showroom floor saved the club. His arm injury in the SEC title game contributed to explorations into Providential intervention. The counterargument to Beck was the further blossoming of the much more charismatic Stetson Bennett in year two. The ‘24 Bulls couldn’t break their losing season streak–an 8-10 finish after a 6-3 start–but they did take their first division title since Tebow in ‘11 and won their first playoff game since ‘13. They seem to have the pieces for another run.
But we digress. The ‘24 offseason saw a raid of pivots–Joe Milton, JJ McCarthy, Bo Nix, Sam Hartman, Taulia Tagovailoa, Kedon Slovis, and Of Course, Of Course, Caleb Williams. Despite a decrease in the TV revenue package from $627 mil. to $586, and a decrease in perceived talent, the boys flocked. After a disastrous ‘24, Oakland President Marshawn Lynch called for deficit spending.
Despite assurances from the New State, the Athletics were allowed to relocate–first to Las Vegas but ultimately to more politically important and rapidly growing Philly, a return to the ancestral home after 71 years. This left just the Invaders after the Warriors secret jump to San Fran. Lynch saw opportunity under heaven’s chaos. They were the city’s last team, its unifying force. Sympathetic officials within the California civilian government approved a renovation of the Oakland People’s Coliseum via a Chinese State firm that specializes in recycling iron ore processes. In the midst of signing vets Joe Mixon, Devonte Adams, Khalil Mack, and Bubba Baker, Lynch had a sit down with Bandits Prez and majority owner Derrick Brooks.
Like Sun City just north, Tampa Bay was damaged by Consensus Proclamation 61603; silver linings shimmered–this let Brooks jettison the annoying racists clinging to slivers of his club, but this also left him in a cash crunch. Brooks and Lynch hashed out a deal to send Cam’s rights West. Central Committee approved and encouraged the move. New Bandits Chief Jay Gruden bummed, but then accepted Dillon Garbiel into open arms. How they had the dough to sign top-lineman Will Campbell and wideout Xavier Restrepo remains mystified; ditto Jacksonville, who still landed Princely Umanmeielen, Birmingham who secured Jihaad Campbell and Quinshon Judkins, and San Antonio, who snagged Texas twin towers Cam Williams and Kelvin Banks Jr. for their frontline. Dispersed detractors crying "Climate Stalinism" in Houston--a rogue federal detachment took hammers to old crypto rigs and threw energy traders out of helicopters--couldn't explain how the Gamblers signed Quinn Ewers to a 5-year, $80 million contract ($60 mil. in guarantees). The Longhorn big boy got the biggest deal of the rooks because he held out last. The closest explanation of the wider raids came during Cowherd’s show, who let Clay Travis–in his final broadcast before his disappearance during a landlord purge in Nashville–ramble about government cash transfers via the Department of Sports, Culture, and Tradition(s), part of a further “Potemkin Circus Operation” to boost local morale and “tape on new scales.”
***
Chronologically, Garrett Nussmeier signed first, a 4-year, $22 millon deal on the first day of the Open Draft; New Jersey flipped picks and the rights to Will Howard to Baltimore for the first overall selection. Shedeur and Cam came next on December 23rd. As a sort of shot fired at the Shield, an intern at central office slipped the info to NFL point man Adam Schefter ahead of a Pardon the Interruption appearance. People's Daily broke the news within the Sino-Soviet bloc via MSX/OGAS networks. Initially dismissed, official word of Garrett’s arrival came via a massaged call-in to Mike Francesca from the Pine Tree himself.
Comparisons to Tony Romo actually seemed to damage Garrett’s stock in the Fall League draft; a 6-6 campaign didn't help. Nussey wasn't even the Generals’ first choice. Scouts swarmed USC’s Miller Moss and SMU’s Preston Stone for two months. Both of those pivots washed out and by December decided to hone and heal in college for another year. The USFL voided successive New Jersey rights swaps with LA and San Antonio, and an intern suggested to Generals Team President Eric Trump to go with Garrett. The last surviving heir had no actual authority on personnel decisions and demurred to the international cadre of bureaucrats who green lighted contracts. As with Shedeur, the NFL lowballed Garrett on slot money and refused to confirm his projection. Generals consensus was the need for an “Eli type” to appease Long Island and Queens constituents.
The Ward and Sanders deals led the LSU White Tiger to stage a brief holdout post-Christmas; New Jersey sprinkled in $7 million in further guarantees through the first two years. Francesca criticized the move saying that Ivana–RIP–or Stan Chera–also RIP–wouldn’t have conceded one iota to a genteel cornpoke. Further signings of Ohio State defensive pieces Denzel Burke and Jack Sawyer set-off concerns of a rebuild. Jersey also brought in a slew of veterans–Jordan Fuller swapped out title game hero Jamal Adams, Cam Hayward for Chandler Jones.
Pittsburgh seemed to lap everybody, however. The Purple and Orange focused on veterans, landing Chris Godwin, Malcolm Koonce, and extending Mich Parsons. The Cowboy linebacker negotiated his own buyout with Stephen Jones in June ‘24 and signed with the Maulers for–effectively–a million a game for the final three regular season games; when Pittsburgh backed into the playoffs and pulled-off an upset of Boston in the Wild Card, Micah saw his per-game pay double–$2 million each for both games. He resigned for $100 million over four.
Mustachioed friar Jim Tomsoula used three different pivots through an arduous 7-11 campaign. All three–Trace McSorley, Ben DiNucci, and rookie Phil Jurkovec–were purged July 31st. Journeyman Will Grier brought little solace. Drew Allar buzz dominated the fall, so much so that an addled Dan Marino–five-percent club shareholder–let slip of a 6-year, $77 million offer in December. Penn State’s deep run kept raising the price. Spring’s wider bank run led Goodell to finally discipline his owners, dishing out $25 million in bonuses and 1st-3rd round selection guarantees to Allar, Jalen Milroe–who expressed spring interest but not in Birmingham--Cade Klubnik, and Jaxson Dart. The Montreal Machine even negotiated a back-door deal to guarantee Taylor Elgersma fell to the 7th round to them.
Pittsburgh instead plucked Geno Smith from Seattle, a 2-year, $55 million deal that made him ‘25’s top earner ($30 mil for the year). The Maulers did sign Allar’s favorite target Tyler Warren and Mountaineer Wyatt Milum. No one was sure where the money came from, especially because Pittsburgh played in the league’s smallest venue–25,000 seat BYD Bowl, on the shore of the Monongahela. Claims of a quarter ownership stake by Xi Jinping or the unconfirmed “‘Confucius Trust”--an apparent slush fund for CPC international propaganda efforts–were dismissed by New State media apparati.
Comments
Post a Comment