USFL '87 Notes: Houston, or, Bushwhacked

 

Vice President Bush finally gave into his most beloved, wayward son in July of '86, letting Bush Jr. and his cadre of "buddies"--financial instrument makers, real estate developers, Aramco accuatuaries, Bin Laden Group foremen and middle managers, all the way up to literal Saudi and OmaniPrinces--buy 33% of the Houston Gamblers, the share more than doubling to 75% by January '87. The chrome paint had been chipping off the Cadillac since '84.

Everyone figured out the cocaine-fueled, innovative offense; Billy Sims' presence frustrated defenses at first, but Kelly's ego and cannon got in the way--he frequently audibled on the line; a porous defense focused on finesse rather than smashing mouths. A disastrous start to '85 was rectified by finally giving the keys to Mouse Davis, but it only led to an early playoff exit; a promising start in '86--even after trading Ricky Sanders and Hossea Taylor--gave way to a 2-8-1 finish and empty seats; the Astros dominance considered a contributing factor.

Trotskyists on The Source computer service message boards posited another: the nationwide cocaine shortage. Elliot Abrams capture and show trial in the Soviet Union under the new Morenov regime, combined with a string of successful assassinations that drew comparisons to the Lebanon Civil War, led to "planning vacuums" at the CIA and State Department; that the Sandinistas and as far south as FARC suddenly had Soviet tech and Cuban support disrupted Air America lines and local Contra-managed supply lines--if one wanted blow, one had to go to the pinkos; as it was an open secret that the Gamblers consumed more of the stuff than any other team in the league, they looked the most depleted.

Jerry Argovitz, Houston's owner, was stretched thin, and even with league support, nearly folded the club in June '86. Enter Bush the Younger.  Senior–"Poppy"--pulled the plug on a bid the year before, but finally came around. After thorough analysis, George surmised it to be low risk: his media perception prevented accusations of direct involvement--"he's a fucking nerd, why would he give a shit about football" or "what a silly but wonderful thing, letting his son own a football team" among many other quotes from GOP data collection--he found persuasive Rockefeller and the Tri-Lateral commission's case that a second league was necessary to keep the kulaks distracted, and it would maybe discipline his sweet baby gerkins: give him a "life project," finally teach him responsibility, negotiation, building consensus. He found praising a mortal sin like gambling vulgar, but one expecting refined aesthetics in a brutal and beautiful game--he did admire the sport, even playing at Yale--will only drive oneself mad.

Poppy brought in Rodrigo Bismarck, an Argentine who served as a go-between on various US filibusters in Central and South America in the 70s and who later became a hatchetman for Falcons' owner Rankin Smith before being shuffled into the team's front office to work alongside Eddie LeBaron. Bismarck initially only ran intelligence operations against players ahead of contract negotiations, but he began to get a feel for the game and understand how one makes personnel decisions--it came down to labor relations. (Rod was the one who discovered Buddy Curry and the overlooked Joel Williams, key pieces of the Grits Blitz.

Poppy insisted on his inclusion to keep tabs on Georgie and other investors. Bismarck loved a good purge and started right away, dumping the team's linebacking core and bringing in veterans like George Cumby and ex-Falcon Al Richardson; pro bowl lineman Marvin Powell--a shock cut by the Jets in May--took a smaller offer to sit out fall than play for the Bucs. While against it, he gave into Jr.'s request to offer Kelly a baffling 3-year, $9 million extension that kept Jimbo in town through '90.

Bush Jr. did show some talent for "big picture" considerations: hoping to get fans back, the Gamblers raided the Blue-Gray game--the only college football event USFL coaches and scouts were allowed near--signing a new number of territorial picks. SMU's Jerry Ball and Baylor's Thomas Everett the coups: both were projected around the 2nd or 3rd round by NFL scouts. Derrick Macadoo seemed too small for pro sets but his agility could fit the run and shoot, an offense Chip insisted on maintaining because it "was fun as hell, gives you the yips." That Bush Jr. did donuts on the practice field in a black and red Subaru Baja loaded with Lone Star and dutch pretzels at the end of practice everyday endeared him to the players. He also always managed to find snow.