USFL '87 Notes: Dispatches from the Central Division, or The Assassination of Lee Iacocca by the Coward Clay Ford, or If you find a better car, buy it.

The '86 Panthers looked a lot like the '85 champs--just everything bounced away from them. Al Toon's last second catch in a 27-24 loss to Chicago in Week 18 kept them out: 7-11, a game back of the wrecked Express. Board member Lee Iacocca helped land Oilers hold-out Butch Woolfork, Eugene Marve--who, holding out from the Bills, took the Cats' offer over a trade to the Bucs--and former Cardinal and Wolverine tight end Doug Marsh, who admitted that Iacocca's play on his famous line from his ads--"it you find a better team, sign with them"--pushed him to come home. The patent Lee acquisition, however, was Giants power back Joe Morris--GM George Young listed his availability against Parcells' and Mira's wishes during intense negotiations. Iacocca cut the $190,000 check for Morris' contract and arranged for Chrysler to subsidize his new 3-year, $1.85 million deal (Joe shouldn't get too excited: about half that compensation is stock--ed.). 

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As an aside, it might be worth returning to the terrible act (being used in the oldest, broadest way possible--terrible as an act of the divine, there is no moral judgement of the ramifications here, hint, hint--ed.).

An individual only described as “lithe,” wearing all black and motorcycle helmet, rolled up on a Kawasaki motorcycle (a “rice burner” as noted by Birchers in their new weekly newsletter) and sprayed Iacocca and his entourage of accountants, analysts, and adjusters. Iacocca’s death mimicked the successful assassination just a few weeks earlier of Renault CEO George Besse in response to the possible merger of the French auto giant with struggling AMC. A group calling themselves “The Third Generation,” in reference to the Fassbinder film, claimed responsibility in a fax sent to Frank Gifford just at the start of the second half; in their statement, they claimed that, because Iacocca took a pound of flesh in the form of a government loan while also still conducting mass layoffs, Iacocca had to pay in a pound of his own flesh. The Birchers would weave this story into their wider narrative of a communist takeover of the NFL, but soon got side-tracked in further newsletters with claims that this was a measured response conducted not by a left-wing militant group speaking on behalf of American workers, but a hit orchestrated by the Japanese Government on behalf of Mitsubishi, who were angry Chrysler did not adapt their Delica 4x4 van for the US market but instead decided to go with their own design, the Caravan. The Soviets would further muddy the waters, suggesting  a context of internal capitalist conflict: the Ford family and the owner of the Lions--obviously jealous of an emerging power who already bagged two titles and not crushed under the shadow of Bobby Lane--would not allow for assistance from a major rival. 

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Lee's assassination in December saddened the club and the city; Taubman used the death--mirroring Chera's use of Trump--as a sort of rallying point. Fans accepted the team's rhythm: win a title, have a bad year, win a title, a bad year, etc. Not unlike Chrysler during the White Knight's stewardship. 

The appeal didn't stave the cold hand of the market: the automaker pulled their partnership--bean counters found it frivolous--and their sponsorship of the league in general. "This was a Lions town" said the board, even if it wasn't anymore. Who wants to watch Eric Hipple and Garry James?

The Cats found an unlikely partner in AMC. The Little Fourth's acquisition by Renault was derailed by the earlier assassination of= Besse in '85--both Baron's and WSJ suggested Lee’s fall was a copy cat; a violent internal process--wildcat strikes, sabotage, and the successful bombing of a hired security firm all came against the wishes of the UAW, itself rotting from the inside. AMC emerge as an employee-owned carmaker, fueled by a record sale of the Jeep division to Chrysler. An announced deal involving "technology exchanges" with Soviet manufacturer AutoVaz led to a congressional investigation and claims of a KGB plot.

The frontman of the “Grand Gremlin Experiment,” was 24-year-old Evangel Cabrini, a line worker at the Detroit Jeep division who was designated “Captain of the Seizure.” His comrades also called him “Melting Pot” due to his black, Irish, Italian, and Korean background. Captain Cabrini signed a sponsorship with the Cats and bought a block of 10,000 season tickets for the workers. Taub and the league scratched their backs: Chera worked the local GOP machine to kill the investigation, coordinating with a worker-led phone flood of Tip O’Neill, Bob Dole, and Robert Bird; the unusual American popularity of new General Secretary Vasiliy Morenov (see our NFL '86 notes--ed.), who released a statement of support, also aided in the short-circuit: the “Red Kennedy” had developed enough of a popular base in the US, that a bombarded Tip O’Neill--who also saw the clear comparison--helped sink any investigation. 

Taubman and DeBartolo--both real estate men--jacked up land deals on GM and Ford after learning the Soviet involvement in AMC included "longtail" approaches to electric vehicle development and possible future land use and technological exchanges that could bring in trillions. At least that was the pitch by a low-level party member according to a secret meeting at an AMC union hall in Sheboygan.

This would all unfold into spring '87, however. Chrysler's bailing in January did bring a sense of dread to training camp. The only rookie of note signed was wounded former Nebraska back Doug DuBose, who was brought in to replace Linnie Patrick, who was out all of '87. Tom Cousineau twisted Patrick's knee nearly 360 degrees in the Week 18 loss at Chicago; horrific in itself but also a perfect pitch tragedy: Linnie finished '86 with 999 yards. No attempt was made at Ingram,  Harbaugh, or even Wilcher. This would be it for Michigan. 

Other observations from the Central Division:

Oklahoma ('86: 13-5)

Oklahoma's dramatic run should’ve been the headline story of ‘86, but that they were a small market that birthed Anita Bryant, didn’t attract much sympathy or excitement on a national scale: 13-5 and a Cunningham heave away from a title game appearance. Season ticket sales hit 35,000 for '87, near Skelly's capacity. 

Fans hoped for Boz by January, but they also knew, deep down, it wouldn't happen. A sinking feeling--was this the beginning of something, or a singular moment? Signing Derrick Shephard--the one-time Sooner walk-on and occasional hero, the runt of a powerful bloodline--pleased fans; Gordon Brown--the Tulsa powerback--inked in September after a brief training camp stint in Indianapolis; only a handful of Conaco-Phillips' legal team and worker compensation actuaries--the thin slice of educated, vaguely liberals living in Brookside and who went to TU--showed interest, and many of them already owned, or had access to, season tickets. Drew Pearson retired, satisfied by a ____ season. The appearance of Clyde Duncan, the '84 Big Red bust, as a starting wideout alongside Buster Rhymes lead to a bomb threat by The PLO, though it turned out to just be some despondent Oral Roberts undergrads rolling their vowels. Duncan signed for only $40,000 and looked quick and assured: he credited the city of Tulsa's lack of distractions, 3/2 beer, and the free-wheeling nature of new offensive coordinator Thomas Magnum for the personal turnaround. 

A sudden drop of cash--Trotsykists would track it from Dallas to Kabul to Beirut and back--helped the Outlaws sign Mizzou star and top prospect John Clay. Doug and Stump still there, the strong, young defense now a year older. Stan Blinka, the ex-Jet, praised fried okra and the steaks at Cattleman's out in OKC upon his arrival. He nearly broke his foot wearing cowboy boots at training camp up in Tahlequah. Everybody in the Central got better. God is testing us.

San Antonio ('86: 11-7)

The nature of territorial draft maps meant some clubs would draw from one big pond, but San Antonio's ability to scoop up Aggies seemed preternatural, conspiratorial. Anthony Toney and Domingo Bryant--the heroes of the '86 Cotton Bowl--were immediate contributors in '86, a season  that saw the Gunslingers win 11 games. Toney's ____ came in only 13 appearences as he battled through injuries; Bryant fit right into a dangerous, veteran secondary with Jim Bob Morris and Charles Armstead. Of note should also be linebacker Seth Joyner out of UTEP, who played beautifully despite a lack of heralding trumpets. San Antonio would raid College Station again in January of '87, making Rod Bernstine the second-highest paid tight end in the league (which isn't saying a whole lot--he'd be the 16th highest paid running back--but it still beat the long term indenture of even a first-round NFL rookie--ed.); fan favorite Larry Kelm came along too. In April, they'd sign quarterback Kevin Murray, highly talented but marred by a knee injury he hadn't fully recovered from; that didn't seem to bother "The Directory" who ran the club--an inner-council member and Frito-Lay executive smuggled Murray to Havana for their miracle Guevara Procedure. He would then be sent to convalesce at a special athletic camp in Regina, Saskatchewan run by Bart Starr and Conridge Holloway to train and find his old speed and grace.

The Directory also brought in familiar NFL faces before launching them on cigarette boats for treatment: ex-Jet and Longhorn Lam Jones, defensive end and former Aggie and Brown Keith Baldwin, and Colts kicker Raul Allegre, lost by Irsay in August. The team with the goofy, mustachioed cowboy--barely ready to draw--had now emerged as the savvy writer's favorite to win the division. The backhoes breaking ground, and the pouring of foundations for a new dome--kickstarted by a "Friendship Grant" from the Soviet Union's new Committee for Advancement through International Sport, a new project at ___--almost had San Antonians believing. Almost helped them forget the well fires. 

Chicago ('86: 8-10 )

The big off-season story had been the same the last two years: will Walter reconcile, return home? He told Royko he even had a dream about it: two angels, one who resembled Iceman Gervin, the other Ron Santo, revealed the afterlife. One could "live in beta tape" any moment of their life for eternity; they just had to help the angels decide. 

Royko reportedly replied, "wouldn't that get old after a while?" 

Payton: "That's what makes it so sweet, Mike." 

Royko: "What did you pick?"

Payton: "I spent all eternity trying to find it."

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Rozelle's declaration during Super Bowl week that any other league's stats would not be recognized by the NFL–thus excluding all of Springball from entering its Hall of Fame–didn't deter Walter, knee rebuilt by Soviet medicine, from accepting a $2.5 million offer to return to the Blitz. Payton had the all-time rushing record by at least 2,000-yards, but the NFL refused to recognize it. Pete's ruling seemed to seal the decision to return. The inking only fueled speculation on the electronic forums of BircherSports–part of Prodigy: where was Mr. Ortega's dough coming from? There was some speculation that the Blitz's owner was actually Gaddafi's half-brother, and that Payton, Byers, Everett, Owen Gill, et al. were pawns in some sort of money laundering option; this more colorful than the Pritzkers propping Ortega up in a revenge play against the NFL siding with Tom Benson in the Saints purchase the previous year. The general media response seemed to be, "who cares?" Checks were clearing and the team started breaking 40,000 a game. WGN signed a local broadcasting deal, airing Saturday night games. No burden of history weighing on them like the Bears, Blackhawks, Cubs, and Sox. Enjoy it for now.