Stories of the '86 Season 6: Welcome to Hell Week

 Week 16 will hopefully be remembered for the number of competitive, and historic, games. The NFC West, AFC East, AFC West, and NFC Central would not be decided until Sunday evening or Monday night; there were also instant classics that would contribute nothing, only to be relegated to footnotes or Throwback Thursday retrospectives.

The Cleveland Browns bid for perfection would end in the season finale, as Dan Fouts and the Chargers would win their fourth straight—and clinch the AFC West—taking a 34-31 shootout. Keinath, who had been resting Kosar the last few weeks, started him under pressure from Accorsi and Modell and the local media, who wanted to see the Browns go 16-0. Keinath rested a number of standout players. It was a remarkably tight game, an instant classic. There was only one turnover: Down 27-24 late in the game, Hanford Dixon would record his league-tying 9th interception of the season and return it 35 yards to give the Browns a 31-27 lead. This didn’t seem to deter Fouts, who would take the final full 2:53, connecting with Kellen Winslow on a last second, 22-yard, touchdown pass to win the game. Fouts finished with 351 yards to put him over 4,000 for the season (the fifth of his career and second straight). Kosar finished with 210 yards and 2 touchdown passes. Keinath could be seen breathing a sigh of relief. Nobody was hurt heading into the playoffs. It had been the only week the coach had sniped at reporters; “who gives a shit?” he said to a hockey hair from SportsChannel Ohio when asked if he was concerned by the loss. When asked by Ahmad Rashad how he felt after the game, Keinath reflected on his brief talk with Morenov at the end of their Monday Night win against Miami and how a climber, when faced with no path up the mountain, will always return to the ground to assess a new path forward. “You don’t reach total liberation without some setbacks. I’d rather be 15-1 with a chance than 16-0 and out.” When Rashad delivered a mangled paraphrase to Don Coryell, Coryell responded “well, whatever gets my ass into the playoffs.”

Of the irrelevant, but great games:

The Colts would finish an abysmal season with a 38-35 Overtime victory over the Raiders, who would finish 7-9. Brian Sipe played well in his final professional game, throwing for 269 yards, 4 touchdowns, and a pick in the loss. Trudeau would have the best game of his career, throwing for 310 with 4 majors. As soon the as the game winner went through, Al Davis would sit down with Jim Irsay to see what he would give up for the top pick and Testaverde. Irsay wanted Marcus Allen, Dokie Williams, Howie Long and Matt Millen AND their first round pick. Davis walked away without making a comment; he knew when dealing with an Irsay, you make an offer when he was coming down, not going up, and he had caught the failson just as he started his sniffles—why can’t a man just stick to greenies and cigarettes for godsakes?

Three days after signing that fat contract, Steve Young would have the worst game of his career, throwing for just 20 yards against a largely resting St. Louis as the Bucs (6-9) lost to Big Red, 29-27. It was a weird game, the kind that would make a viewer both compelled but anxious; a game that made you feel like you were drowning. While Young struggled, Wilder and Springs didn’t, combining for 350 yards on the ground—the Bucs led Big Red 13-6 at halftime, when head coach Chief Harris, finally fed up with Cliff Stoudt’s long but withering passes, went to the ground or had Stoudt basically doink the ball forward. The Cards finally got things going early in the third, when Steve Young fumbled but then recovered a bad snap in the end zone to concede the safety; Stump Mitchell would then return the kickoff for the league’s second touchdown of the season (and the second of the hour) to make it 15-13. The Bucs would respond with a 61-yard run by Ron Springs that would set up 15-yard-run by Wilder to make it 20-15. Cliff Stoudt would connect on a 58-yard-blooper to Roy Green, and Earl Farrell would run it in to make it 22-20 at the end of the third. Wilder would continue his big game in the fourth, getting his third touchdown of the game to make 27-22 with under 3 minutes left. Stoudt would go back to the “doinks,” as Harris liked to call them, and he strung together 4 straight short passes all to Ferrell get the Cards to the Tampa 35 with 24 seconds left. Figuring he had the hot hand, Stoudt waived off a pass play and handed it to Ferrell, which took the secondary by surprise. Ferrell lumbered in, it took the whole 24 seconds, to get the win. The Cards finish 12-3-1, while the Bucs went to 6-10. James Wilder finished with 268 yards on just 9 carries and 3 touchdowns.

Laffy Maduro flew out to Busch Stadium to see his first game as the new owner. He invited the team onto a chartered jet to fly back. Maduro told coach Leeman Bennett to wait for a limo to pick him up at the hotel, it was good to unwind after a difficult journey alone. When Bennett got into the limo, it didn’t fly him to the airport but drove him the 12+ hours to his rented house in St. Pete. All his earthly possessions were on his lawn, including the buyout money in his coaching contract. He would never set foot in Tampa’s facility again.

The regular season ended Monday night at the Orange Bowl, where the Dolphins hosted the Patriots. Given tiebreakers (points scored, point differential) even if the Fish lost, they would likely still win their fourth straight division title, but Shula and his young coaching crew still wanted a win and the Patriots—in freefall the second of the season—was looking to end ‘86 on a positive note. New England frustrated Marino for three quarters; the one-two punch of Mosi Tatupu and Craig James confounded an exhausted Miami defense. New England had a 17-7 late in the first half when Marino finally broke through with one of his patented 60+ yard missiles to Mark Clayton (Duper sat due to fatigue the first half) to make 17-14. The Patriots exploited turnovers from Hampton and Ellis in the 3rd, and got a touchdown and two field goals to take a 27-14 lead into the fourth. But Miami special teams rolled up—Marino would connect with Clayton on a 47 yarder to make it 27-21; the Dolphins recovered an on-side kick and Marino ran the exact same play again to make it 28-27. New England had three deep drives in the 4th, all built on Eason to Cedric Jones passes. The first and third ended in Tony Franklin missed field goals, the second ended in a Lyle Blackwood interception. In a microcosm on the season, Eason, in the game’s final seconds, would connect with Irving Fryar, who sprinted across the field and seemingly had the game locked, but Blackwood would wrangle Fryar at the 3, who then fumbled the ball. Paul Lankford would recover, and the Dolphins hung on to finish 12-4 and likely end Eason’s career as a starter. The Patriots finished 6-10. Sullivan admitted later he would probably have fired Raymond Berry that night, but he was too broke to find a better coach.

But, for the most part, all eyes were on the NFC Central heading into week 16, as the Lions (8-7), Vikings (8-7), and Bears (7-8) all still vied for the division. In pre-game, Jimmy the Greek on CBS and Pete Axthelm on NBC pushed their glasses up to their face and rubbed their glistening hands while they poured over trifectas and parlays and “deep” analysis of each team. Tommy Kramer experiencing intense headaches? Jimmy assured Brent Musburger he took his Excedrin. On the subject of Eric Hipple, Pete Axthelm quoted Joan Didion, or at least he said it was a quote by Didion, about gold and personal excellence before then shifting thought to the Lions quarterback as Hannibal crossing the Alps; the graphics department, as always, crafted a slick-but-still crude Monty Python-style cut-out cartoon of Hipple, James Jones, and Jeff Chadwick riding elephants through mountains (they would reuse the framing device two weeks later when referring to Dan Fouts ahead of the AFC Divisional Playoff).  As NBC focused on the AFC, Costas only remarked with an “interesting, let’s see if Ditka’s Bears can pull off the impossible,” before moving on to the Jets at the Bengals. Musburger, Jimmy, and Irv Cross would map out the scenarios on a large bulletin board with little cardboard football helmets (the house style at CBS). The Lions and Vikings would have home games against Atlanta (9-6) and New Orleans (6-9); Chicago was at Dallas (3-12), where the Cowboys were riding the high of a 31-0 win over the Eagles (5-10). CBS would’ve christened it the Game of the Week had the Rams (9-6) and Niners (8-6-1) not been playing at 4 eastern.   

Of the scenarios, the most direct path would also be the most treacherous: the Lions win and they are in for the first time since ’83. Detroit would have clinched the previous week and probably should have: after a 3-5 start, the Lions had won five of their last six, including four straight—in Week 14 against the Steelers, Hipple would connect with Jimmy Giles on a 41 yard pass on 4^th and 10, setting up Eddie Murray’s 38 yarder (not quite a pooch but not impossible, the right amount of drama) to win 23-20. History had finally parted the veil and the Lions saw the possibility of a New World Order in the NFC Central. “Oh shit, they’re finally going to fucking do it,” said Galen “Gunner” Heydrich—a Lions fan, Gross Pointe resident, and loan adjuster at Chrysler Financial—during the Lions Weekly Recap show at Bronson’s Steakhouse (the swear not edited due to “unintentional exuberance” and the show’s 11:30 pm air time). “Hipple, babe, you could get me out of so many jams. They do this, win the division, my life would be so much better.” After Week 14, if you were a Lions fan, it looked inevitable: Tommy Kramer was knocked out early and Wade Wilson struggled in the Vikings’ 48-14 loss to Green Bay. Sure, Chicago ended a three game losing streak in a 20-7 win over the Tampa, but they were playing the Bucs at Soldier Field. Of course Walter Payton is going to run for 210 yards and 2 touchdowns. The Bears, while technically still in it, were a mess, and Catholic Priests all over ChicagoLand were split between praying for a kind but untimely end to Ditka’s reign or going all-in, asking the Lord to relight his sword of fire. James Jones was looking good! So was our white receiver Jeff Chadwick! Ditka already announced McMahon was going to start for the first time all season against us! It will be a fun Monday night.

They called it the Motor City Massacre for two reasons: the first was the assassination of Lee Iacocca on his front step that Monday morning, but, more importantly, the Bears recorded the biggest rout in Monday Night Football history, beating the Lions 51-14 to accelerate the drama of the NFL’s final week. While McMahon struggled—throwing for 110 yards and 2 interceptions—and the Bears would commit four turnovers overall, the vaunted 46also forced four turnovers and Payton would rush for 164 yards and 5 majors; Calvin Thomas contributed with two red zone touchdowns; Flutie, who would come in late, would throw for 100 yards on just two passes to Willie Gault. What made the loss so agonizing was Hipple and crew’s general competence in moving the ball in the first half, only to be either stopped in the red zone or have Murray attempts either blocked or shank right (he would miss 4 field goal attempts, 2 on his own and 2 blocked by The Fridge). The majority of Hipple’s yardage was three long passes to Jeff Chadwick, one a touchdown. Everything fell apart in the second half: every member of defense seemed to get a sack in, Dave Duerson would appear out of nowhere to grab an errant pass, Jones would gain 12 yards then fumble the ball away. It was a statement game for both teams: the Lions were the Lions, the Bears were starting to finally live up to their hype. The priests in Detroit and Chicago both agreed that their teams and flock were being tested.  

An individual only described as “lithe,” wearing all black and motorcycle helmet, rolled up on a Kawasaki motorcycle (a “rice burner” as noted by Birchers in their new weekly newsletter) and sprayed Iacocca and his entourage of accountants, analysts, and adjusters. Gunner Heydrich lost his golf buddy Robb Manckowitz so, you know, it was personal. Iacocca’s death mimicked the successful assassination just a few weeks earlier of Renault CEO George Besse in response to the possible merger of the French auto giant with struggling AMC. A group calling themselves “The Third Generation,” in reference to the Fassbinder film, claimed responsibility in a fax sent to Frank Gifford just at the start of the second half; in their statement, they claimed that, because Iacocca took a pound of flesh in the form of a government loan while also still conducting mass layoffs, Iacocca had to pay in a pound of his own flesh. The Birchers would weave this story into their wider narrative of a communist takeover of the NFL, but soon got side-tracked in further newsletters with claims that this was a measured response conducted not by a left-wing militant group speaking on behalf of American workers, but a hit orchestrated by the Japanese Government on behalf of Mitsubishi, who were angry Chrysler did not adapt their Delica 4x4 van for the US market but instead decided to go with their own design, the Caravan. The Soviets would further muddy the waters, suggesting it was a Gladio-style operation.

So that’s where we landed in Week 16, the football world laser-focused on the rust belt the way the rest of the country, in most aspects, was not. The easiest scenario remained the same: if the Lions could beat Atlanta, they were in, likely to play the NFC West winner. The Vikings needed a win and a Lions loss; the Bears needed to win big in Dallas and for Minnesota and Detroit to both fall.

It was the unlikeliest outcome, but, for Vikings and Lions fans, it seemed the most obvious: while the Saints defense was quite good, Kramer seemed to miss wide open receivers all day. As it was like through much of the season, the few times Kramer bothered to handoff to Darrin Nelson the running back took advantage—a 65-yard run would set up a Kramer to Hassan Jones touchdown pass early in the second half. But, as it was like through much of the season, Kramer’s first instinct was to throw. He finished completing only 37% of his passes for 141 yards and the Jones touchdown. The Saints’ Mel Gray, the former LA Express star, filled in for an injured Rueben Mayes. When the game was still competitive in the second quarter, the score 7-3, Gray returned a kickoff 100 yards for the touchdown—the first of the entire NFL season and the second within the next hour, as Stump Mitchell would return a touchdown in the 3rd against Tampa. The perplexing Dave Wilson threw for 268 yards and three touchdowns, connecting with Mike Jones five times for 175 yards and 2 of those touchdowns (Gray punched in two, Hobey Brenner would catch an 8 yard slingshot); 47-17. The Vikings finished 8-8, the Saints 7-9, their best record since 1980.

Chicago’s 66-7 win over Dallas was the second biggest rout since the NFL merger—the Chargers beat the Eagles 64-0 in Week 15 in 1985—and third biggest in NFL history. It was also, like all spectacles of pure power, utterly boring and hollow; a game you revisit to perk you up at your nadir. The most exciting moment of the game came in the first quarter, when Herschel Walker broke off a 90-yard touchdown run to make it 14-7. Walker, woefully under-utilized all season, was the Cowboy’s offense, finishing with 146 rushing yards on just 6 carries, two of those long touchdown runs. Reggie Collier, who looked so great the week before, failed to complete a pass unless it was to Dave Duerson . Doug Flutie would have his best game of the season, finishing with 314 yards and 3 touchdown passes. Sweetness would take 31 carries for 188 yards and 4 touchdowns. Danny White filled in for Collier and didn’t fare any better. Landry, through tears, would cut White in the locker room, “out of mercy.” Ditka chomped his gum and clapped those thick sausage hands, giving an occasional “all right, all right” .

The Silverdome PA announcer would keep fans up-to-date during their game. Fed up with Archer’s erratic play and deeply fearful of a second straight meltdown—the ‘85 Falcons, remember, were 9-5 and in playoff positioning before losing to the Vikings and Saints in overtime—Dan Henning decided to give Walter Lewis another chance. Since a 4 interception performance against the Patriots in Week 9, Atlanta’s third straight loss, Lewis looked strong in mop up duty against the Colts. His accuracy had been getting better in practice while Archer’s wasn’t, adding new found irony to his surname (but who has real control over that?). With Riggs showing glimpses of ‘85 again, Henning figured to take a chance. He didn’t want to draft a quarterback in the first round that upcoming Spring, management certainly did, and he figured if Lewis could put together a good game it would give both of them another year.

Lewis put together a solid game, throwing for 257 yards 3 touchdowns, and 2 picks. Again, Hipple and the Lions couldn’t put drives away; Murray was at least kicking better, hitting 2 of 3 field goals. Atlanta took a 14-13 lead into the fourth quarter, but both clubs looked lethargic. All the excitement came in the final 2 minutes—Hipple, thanks to big runs by Jones and Gerry Adams, would take a 20-14 lead with 58 seconds left. Hipple completed an 11 yard-underhand throw to Jimmy Giles.

A shallow Murray kick let the Falcons start from their own 41. Lewis would complete a 17-yard pass to Ken Whisennhunt to get to the Detroit 38, but the Falcons’ offense started to stall. Lewis missed on three passes—a little sideline doink dropped by Riggs at the 27, two end zone bombs to Floyd Dixon flew over his head and off his fingers. Nine second left. The PA announcer confirmed the long known Vikings and Bears results before the final play. As quickly as the crowd erupted, it fell silent again as good ol’ Charlie Brown caught a slow floater on a perfect arc in the back of the end zone. It was dead silent except for the occasional cry from the upper-upper decks when Mick Luckhurst kicked the extra point. 21-20. West Texas Brawns crying on the sideline has become a visual cliché in the NFL, but Hipple’s slump on the bench still burned into the memory of those who follow the game; one could tell Eric knew the happiest he would ever be for the rest of his career was in the 3 Rivers Stadium at the end of Week 14. The Lions finish 8-8, one game better than 1985.

The Falcons finished 10-6, but would miss the playoffs for the second year in a row just a few hours later: the Rams won the division beating the Niners 31-20, while the Giants brained the Packers 35-14 to take the final Wild Card on a tiebreaker (a +2 point differential over Atl). The Falcons fired Henning on Monday morning. He went 30-34 in four years, but 19-13 the last two. The Falcons would release Lewis the day after the Super Bowl.